Of course the loss of any loved one is cause for sadness. Even the loss of people you don’t know can be sad. I’m moved to tears when I saw the flooding disaster in central Texas and all those lost people and especially children.
But I seem to be blindsided repeatedly by the loss of my husband and all the changes it has engendered. Now I face the loss of our home when it sells. In addition there’s an energy that accompanies each monthly anniversary date of his passing that is sobering to say the least.
We just reached eleven months since my husband of thirty-three years passed away. Is it the inexorable passage of time that hurts? Or his lost energy I’m feeling? Kabbalists do believe that the dead revisit on certain anniversaries. Might that explain it? Or is this simply my emotion? I can’t say for sure but each monthly anniversary brings sorrow and loneliness. And in between, my moods climb and plunge like a roller coaster. I try never to say, think, or feel that I’m doing ‘pretty well’ as that seems to invite the plunge into sadness in the next breath. It’s all unsettling.
The net-net is that I’m discovering a whole new side of myself I never knew existed. Apparently my years of feeling invincible and strong, confident and self-assured, talented and hard-working are behind me. Though I hope not!
Sadly adding to my losses, I miss the person I was, and all those feelings of strength and control. I miss her optimism, optimism being sorely tested here.
While I struggle to get used to this new version of me, I hope and pray that time will heal.